hold your sadness like a puppet

keep putting on the play

i love you. and it's hard to say it any other way. it's been more than a week now and i'm really not okay.

i miss you. even though i'm still with you every day. and i have to hold myself back from things i used to say.

today was hard because i reached out and had to stop in midair.
you didn't notice and i said nothing and i find that unfair.
the back of my mind is filling up with the worries i've pushed there.

(no subject)
just shut up, just shut up, just shut up

calm down, don't be like that. breathe more. slow your thinking down.

(no subject)
things like that were so close but so fucking far away and for just a second. and every thing i tried was a half ass attempt, and i barely achieved a fraction of what i should have. but i'm here now and i'm still almost where i want to be.. almost happy enough.. this desire turns to loathing and i feel guilty for it. one step behind, and honestly it is my fault. i have to think, what the fuck am i doing?

(no subject)
weighed down and slow
and staring and blinking
and laughing and drinking
and drinking and drinking
when will i cease to exist?
and can i plan on being missed?
hold my hand to my heartbeat
i worry about the things you don't have to

fuck this.
i keep trying to find an outlet. seriously? i'm just going to grab my guitar.

sick sad, and slow
it's been so long since i've been
down so low

i don't even know what the fuck is going on anymore. i just feel crazy. god.

(no subject)
what am i trying to say

i just need
a break

(no subject)
wasting away in the silence
after i say goodnight
hugging the wall for permanence
but tomorrow i'll still see the light

(no subject)
laying in a patch of dead grass,
it sinks beneath my weight
and i fall deeper into the hole
until i find roots digging into my back.
they coil around my limbs
wind in and out, around and over
tie me up and begin to squeeze.
now my breath is shorter and
the sun no longer illuminates, radiates, but
casts a black shadow on a black world.
so i tear free.
i rip, and pull and break
the vines that hold me down.
kicking, and pushing, and i hear
the cracks of the thick ropes breaking
for the first time since before i was alive.
my hands are bleeding and i'm tired, but
i took something permanent and
changed it.
rearranged it.
now there's a pile of dead root
under the spot i suddenly realize
i've been planted all along
so i run out into the open
i want to tell them all.
but all i find across the horizon
are body shaped holes
in the ground

(no subject)

from a place i call a hole,
a secret cavern in my chest

i can scream, cry, moan
it only echoes,
reverberates from the walls
until i can hear myself
like i couldn't quite break the barrier
or was i even trying?

is this what it felt like to be honest?
to resurface from the bottom,
to be pulled back from the sky
to look at myself
long enough for my eyes to
change shape


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